Over New Year’s, I read Gretchen Rubin’s new-ish book
Better Than Before. (Gretchen Rubin is the author of
The Happiness Project which is one of my top 5 favorite books, so I had really high expectations for this one.) It did not disappoint! I took A LOT of notes while I was reading and I thought I would pass them along to anyone who’s interested.
Better Than Before (BTB) is a book about making and breaking habits. After writing
The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin felt like she still didn’t really know how to implement everything she thought she should do to be happier. So she started researching willpower and habits and put everything she learned into this book! I definitely recommend it, especially if you (like me) are trying to make some good habits in 2018.
If you want to skip the fluff and get down to the nitty gritty, just read the section on “Practical Tips for Developing Habits.”
Habits & Their Importance
• Traditional definition says a habit is a recurrent behavior, cued by a specific context, that happens without much awareness or conscious intent.
• Habits are anything you do without having to think about it. Rubin says that habits “free us from decision-making and using self-control.”
• Brushing your teeth is a habit because you don’t wake up and ask yourself, ‘Am I going to brush my teeth this morning?’
• When you make good habits, you free yourself from resisting temptation (I won’t eat that cookie) and postponing gratification (I’m going to save my money).
Habits & Different Personalities
• To understand how we make habits, we have to know ourselves and we have to understand how we respond to expectations.
• There are four distinct personality types defined in BTB:
1. UPHOLDERS meet outer expectations and inner expectations
2. QUESTIONERS resist outer expectations and meet inner expectations
3. OBLIGERS meet outer expectations and resist inner expectations (that’s me! I find that I often break promises to myself but I rarely break promises to other people.)
4. REBELS resist outer expectations and inner expectations
• If you respond well to outer expectations, you’ll succeed in making good habits if there is external accountability (a coach, a grade, a friend waiting for you, etc). You won’t be as successful with something like a sticker chart, because it’s only an inner expectation. Does that make sense?
• If you respond well to inner expectations, you’ll succeed in making good habits if you feel the habit is justified and reasonable (You'll take vitamins only if you really think they’ll help you feel better).
• Tailor your habits and your behavior to YOU!
There was a list of questions to help you better understand yourself and the way you respond to expectations, and I thought they were so interesting, I’m copying them here:
How I Like to Spend My Time
At what time of day do I feel energized? When do I drag?
Do I like racing from one activity to another, or do I prefer unhurried transitions?
What activities take up my time but aren’t particularly useful or stimulating?
Would I like to spend more of my time with friends, or by myself?
Do I have several things on my calendar that I anticipate with pleasure?
What can I do for hours without feeling bored?
What daily or weekly activity did I do for fun when I was ten years old?
What I Value
What’s most satisfying to me: saving time, money, or effort?
Does it bother me to act differently from other people, or do I get a charge out of it?
Do I spend a lot of time that’s important to someone else, but not to me?
If I had $500 to spend on fun, how would I spend it?
Do I like to listen to experts, or do I prefer to figure things out for myself?
Does spending money on an activity make me feel more committed to it, or less committed?
Would I be happy to see my children have the life I’ve had?
My Current Habits
Am I more likely to indulge in a bad habit in a group, or when I’m alone?
If I could magically, effortlessly change one habit in my life, what would it be?
If the people around me could change one of my habits, what would they choose?
Of my existing habits, which would I like to see my children adopt? Or not?
First Things First (Foundation Habits)
• Where should you begin if you want to improve your habits?
• Good habits beget more good habits
• Certain habits reinforce our self-control more than other habits, so we should start with those!
- Sleep
- Exercise
- Nutrition
- Decluttering
• The “broken window” theory of crime prevention
• In the 1980s, some social scientists observed that when a community tolerates disorder and petty crimes, such as breaking of windows or graffiti, people are more likely to commit serious crimes.
• Ask yourself, ‘What are the “broken windows” in my home and my life?’
Practical Tips for Developing New Habits
• Track your success. Even just monitoring what we do without trying to improve helps us do better.
• Avoid excuses! How often do we give ourselves permission to do something “bad” because we’ve been “good”?
• Don’t get caught in the cycle of procrastination. Gretchen Rubin says again and again, the best time to start a new habit is NOW. Don’t wait for tomorrow, or Monday, or a new month.
• Don’t assume that the habit you want to develop is in opposition to something else you want. (I can’t go on a diet because life is short and I want to make the most of it and have happy memories… Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive!)
• Remember that EVERYTHING COUNTS. There’s no “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”
• Stay in control.
- If you want to break a habit for some reason (enjoy a lot of treats on your birthday), don’t let it happen by accident. Plan for it, and that way you stay in control and you don’t have any guilt to overcome the next day.
- Avoid giving yourself big rewards for your good habits. The habit itself should be the reward.
- BTB had some great suggestions for creating habits that were “rewarding” based on what we find to be motivating.
• Sources of intrinsic motivation:
- Challenge: We find personal meaning in pursuing a goal that’s difficult but not impossible.
- Curiosity: We’re intrigued and find pleasure in learning more.
- Control: We like the feeling of mastery.
- Fantasy: We play a game; we use our imagination to make an activity more stimulating.
- Cooperation: We enjoy the satisfaction of working with others.
- Competition: We feel gratified when we can compare ourselves favorably to others.
- Recognition: We’re pleased when others recognize our accomplishments and contributions
• Allow yourself “treats,” not because you earned it, but just because you want it.
• Treats help you feel energized and cared for, which helps us maintain healthy habits
• Try to find “healthy treats” like taking a nap, playing the piano, window shopping, reading, lighting a candle, or calling a friend.
• Identify WHY you really want to create a certain habit. If you’re doing something out of obligation, it’s going to be much harder to be successful than if you’re doing it because you really want to.
One of my biggest takeaways from Better Than Before is that real, lasting change is difficult. There is no “One Size Fits All” solution for making habits because everyone is different. Some people like to do things cold turkey. Some people like to do things in baby steps. But when you understand yourself--the way you respond to expectations and the things that motivate you, you’re much more likely to succeed. If any of you have habits that you’re trying to make in the new year, I’d love to hear about them! I’m trying to be a “Goals Coach” for Cob and for some friends in the ward, and I’d be happy to help you, too!
♡♡♡
Rebecca
